From Me To You

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By now, if you know me, you know of my mother’s passing last Monday.  I have been writing all week and getting my feelings out through my fingers, but this is the first post I have decided to make public.

Community

First of all, I am literally floored by the love and support from friends and family that I have received.  I knew I had been blessed with many who love me, but the way God orchestrated conversations at just the right time was such a beautiful thing. Monday morning when I found out the news, within 10 minutes, I had friends here with me and text messages and phone calls came all day right up until I got on the plane.  After reaching Paducah, God still put people in place to hold me when I needed to be held, make me laugh when I needed to laugh, and lend me an ear when I needed to talk.  He is such a good God.

Strength

When I realized that God wanted me to come back to Houston and leave my family, I have to admit, I was angry.  It didn’t seem to make sense.  My dad is still not a believer, and he is hurting so badly.  Why would God take the closest thing (his only daughter) from him?  Today, I think I got the answer to that question.  God loves my dad more than I can even imagine; much more than I do.  He is closer to my dad right now, than He has ever been in his life.  My dad is undistracted, broken, hurting, and probably more ready to listen to truth than ever before.  I would never dream of robbing him of hearing from God, and my being there could possibly distract him.  Another thng I realized is the ministry that I have here didn’t end with my mom’s death.  I still have people here that need to see Jesus.  God didn’t disolve that responsibility. I have a career that allows me to make a difference in the lives of children, and college students that challenge me and allow me to “do life” with them.  I also have people that I consider family here in Texas, and they matter dearly to me.  I wouldn’t trade these things for the world.  These things, and the prayers of the saints make me strong.

Peace

On Tuesday night at the funeral home, I had to shake a lot of hands, meet several people I didn’t know, and receive a lot of hugs.  My mom knew a lot of people and the amount of people that came to pay their respects was such a blessing.  She really was a well liked, classy lady.  At one point in the night my aunt hugged me and told me how proud of me she was.  She said “you look so happy”.  At that I responded, “happy”?  I think she realized how that sounded because she immediately started explaining that she knew I was hurting but that it seemed like I was handling it so well….thus began the ministry opportunities.

Ministry

Its not that I am handling this well.  I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to grieve and mourn.  But what I am doing is what God said to do when you lose a loved one who is a believer…I am rejoicing for her. I am so happy for her right now.  She is expreiencing true worship.  She ate a real feast on Thursday.  She is finally healed and is feeling no pain.  She is reunited with my grandparents, and her sister. But the biggest thing that I am celebrating with her right now is that she is there waiting for me and I will see her very soon.  I got this vapor of a life with her, and now I look forward to having eternity with her. How can I not be happy about that?  If God and I had a conversation, there is no way I would ask for her back…that would be very selfish on my part….and very arrogant to even think that she would want to come back after experiencing all that she had experienced.  No, I wouldn’t ask that of God.  But I might ask for Him to give me just 15 minutes so that I could say goodbye and tell her I loved her one last time.

Opportunities

Over the last week, I have had many opportunities to share Jesus with my family and friends.  My prayer has been that they see Him through me, and want to have Him in their lives.  I pray that the legacy my mom left through me will lead many to Christ.  God used her life to lead me to the cross, and now I pray He uses her death to do the same.  If you have read this far, please lift up my dad because he doesn’t know the Christ or the peace that I do.  Pray that his heart is ready to receive the free gift God has for him and that the three of us can be united again in heaven.

Closure

Its really amazing that through something as shocking and tragic as this, God can still provide us with just enough grace.  I hope I haven’t given the impression through this post that I haven’t been sad…because I most certainly have/am.  I loved my mom so, so much.  I learned so much from her.  And as I said earlier, she was a big influence in my decision to follow Christ.  She always supported my decisions and I know that she was so very proud of me because she told me all the time.  She believed in me.  No, I definitely have times when the pain is so excruciating, I don’t know how I will make it.  Sometimes when I feel like I have no more tears to cry, here will come another batch….but still, I wouldn’t want to take from her the treasure she now has in Jesus…I am so proud of her.

Thanks for everything mom.  I love you and I will see you soon…..

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