This morning I awoke with the desire to worship in my heart. I wasn’t sure it would be there, as it was absent from me last week. I realized something very profound as I stood with my church family, singing to Jesus. This morning, I was worshiping with my mom. She was singing praises to Him in heaven, and I was singing praises to Him here on earth. It was a precious thought. Then I realized that she was actually getting to bow down before Him and worship…literally. For me, all I can do that even comes remotely close to that is bow down in my heart and try to clear my mind as I sing…but that doesn’t even come close to what she is getting to do. For a minute, I was jealous. But the Holy Spirit quietly spoke to me and said “soon”.
I will be flying back home to be with my family for Christmas on Saturday, the 20th. Honestly, I haven’t been looking forward to it due to the sadness it will entail. I know the sadness is part of all this, and it is healthy to be with my family, but being in the house without her there is very painful…but not nearly as painful as seeing the lack of hope in my fathers eyes. I am so broken for him. Right now, that seems to be the hardest part of this process; knowing that if God chose to take my dad today, I really would never see him again. But, my hope endures that one day very soon, he will finally say yes to Jesus. What a sweet day that will be.
This past week, I had a lot of time on my hands to think and ponder. I came up with this: Christmas does not have to be as bad as I first thought it would be. Oh, it will definitely be a sad day, but here’s the deal…it still calls for a celebration. We still have a birthday to celebrate, and that didn’t change because of mom’s death. If I really pause to reflect on it, this Christmas may be the best one yet because for the first time, I actually have someone from my immediate family in the presence of God, handing over her crown filled with jewels to the Birthday Boy. My eyes are welling up with tears just thinking about how happy she is right now, and how happy I am for her. She is celebrating with my King. Way to go, mom!
So, in closing…I will be trying with all I can muster to maintain a good attitude this Christmas season. I know that keeping a good attitude means a lot of crying, hugs, talking, processing, and sadness; but it also means Hope.
Happy Birthday Jesus, give mom a hug for me, and tell her that I miss her with all that I am.
Peace and hope.
