I’m Looking Through You

Jump to Comments

I’m back.  It’s been a while, but God laid something on my heart to write, so here it is.  I awoke this morning to a dream that I can’t recall, but the first thing that popped into my mind was the verse from Matthew that you will see if you make it to the end of this story….I drove to work, couldn’t get the verse out of my head, and God said write a story, so I did.  I hope it touches your soul.  I call it, The Passage.

I am walking.  I had been running, but what’s the use?  When you’re going no where, you will eventually get there regardless of how fast your legs are moving.  So today, I walk.

My feet are bare; dry and cracked.  Bleeding. The pain is trumped by the feeling in my throat.  I want to swallow, desperate for something to cover the nakedness of my throat. But there is nothing to swallow.  I can produce nothing to put out the fire of my overwhelming thirst. With a frail, raucous voice I call out to You, but again…nothing.  Even the sound of Your name seems bland and lifeless.  And in Your absence, my throat succumbs to the same wasteland in which I am walking….. Desolate.  Lifeless.

On this journey, words resonate through my mind.  Words…the only connection I feel like I have left; for no one can rob me of my thoughts.  Today, the word that pushes itself in front of all the others taking center stage is:  thirst.  I have never wanted anything more than this in my life.  Never knew I needed anything  this badly.  Never viewed it as vital as my own heartbeat.  Water.  The need to be quenched and full.

I keep walking.  Ahead I see it, and it’s beautiful.  Is it a farce?  A mirage in this lonely desert? Family and friends run through the hot sand to greet me, almost knocking me down.  I feel their hugs; give back every smile with one of my own. I crave their intimacy, the verbal and non-verbal communication, and the relational bond that can only come from those whom you allow in. I drink it down, so quickly I can feel my stomach expand increasingly with every gulp.  I’m still thirsty.

Beyond them, I see every possession my heart has ever desired.  Some are shiny and new, others belong to someone else…They beckon, and I run to them, leaving my relationships behind, eager to play with my new toys.  Still the sun beats down, my thirst screaming through my mind louder than ever.  So I drink.  I drink it all, sitting the cistern down to be refilled because I am not satisfied.  I am never satisfied.

Suddenly I see a countless number of emotions and feelings dropping from the sky; slowing down and hovering around me.  So inviting.  So seemingly fulfilling.  I reach out to touch the first one:  passion.  I feel its warmth sear through my fingertips and make its way up my arm; spilling throughout my whole body, creating a desire for more.  Just as I grasp at one, I long for another one and snatch it up with my free hand; fearful they will go away.  But wait…one is missing.  The one I long for the most hasn’t fallen.  I glance up, my eyes burning by the relentless rays of the sun but I don’t care.  I’ve got to have it.  Then I see it, here it comes, and it’s coming to me! Love. It falls and lands on the top of my head.  I can feel its affection and tenderness running down the back of my neck, covering my ears, and finally reaching my mouth.  Again, I drink.  I drink deeply.  I’m gulping as soon as it hits my tongue, tilting my head back, allowing it to run out of the corners of my mouth, and soaking my shirt.  I feel it pulsing throughout my whole body like the blood flowing from my tattered heart.  In that moment, I am filled with love.  But still I thirst….

Again, I start walking.

What seemed like hours passed, thought they were only moments.  Moments where time seems to check out for a bit. Stop.  Cease.  In that moment, I could feel my body emptying.  The memories of the relationships seeped out of my body like sweat coming from my pores.  I felt the sweat.  Running down my face, coating my body.  Dripping its salty moisture onto the possessions I longed for, causing them to rust and decay along with my selfishness.  The emotions I had felt earlier were now traded by thoughts of lust, rage, pride, and abandonment.  My poor, pitiful self had returned, determined to satisfy the thirst that so relentlessly had shown back up.

Suddenly a new emotion arrived:  hate.  A hate that resonated from a heart that had had enough. Enough mediocrity.  Enough pain and strife.  Enough of fighting a battle I could never win.  Enough loss…I hated that I couldn’t fill this thirst inside of me, and I was ready to stop fighting.  I could no longer do it.  I wasn’t good enough.  I needed help…

And there it was.

At first, I though it just another frail attempt at self preservation brought on by my imaginative mind and strong will.  But no, this was different.  In the distance it stood, as bold and brawny as a thousand trees.  It seemed to draw me in; like a magnet to the object of its affection.  I couldn’t walk anymore.  I had to run.  Run hard.  The peace came the moment I entered its shadow.  I wanted to hide there, stay hidden from the scorching sun in the healing shadow of that beautiful cross.  Truth washed over me and I immediately understood.  This thirst, this longing to be filled can only be pleased by what took place on it.  Death.  I had to die.  Die to myself and all that it entailed.

Many things died on that cross as Jesus hung there for me.  For you.  Brutality died so mercy could be born.  The law died so grace could be born.  Rage died so love could be born.  From everything that died on that cross, something else; something Godly, was born.  On that cross, death equals life.

I stood there alone with my thoughts.  I dropped to my knees in reverence for the One who hung there.  As the sun shifted through the hours, I too shifted.  I wanted nothing to take me out of that shadow.  Never again would I walk without the assurance of the cross before me.  Never again.

And then I realized….I wasn’t thirsty.  I was utterly alone, void of anything or anybody and I was as full as I had ever been in my entire life.  Jesus.  His death.  My death.  His life filling mine.  This is it….this is all….this is everything.  And it’s more than enough.

The things I now longed for were the things He longed for.  The relationships I would have were with those whom He wanted me to walk with.  The things I possessed were things He provided.  The feelings and security I had, came directly from a heart of purity and genuine motive.  All because of His glory and the furtherance of His Kingdom.  I thirst, He fills, I tell, and His name is made famous.

This is life…….Are you thirsty?

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.  Matthew 6:33

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized